FUNCTIONALLY SPEAKING… (STARTING OVER)

Three bedroom, two bath home with double garage complete with dirt bikes, and vintage hot rod… two beautiful children who actually listen and genuinely love school… sounds like a beautiful life right…?  Well you have to ask yourself; what’s missing…? The answer would be a beautiful wife to share it with… It wasn’t always missing but along the way I realized that the woman I married was not the woman I was married to.  I, like any person confronted with the potential for disaster, attempted to make adjustments in an effort to keep a beautiful life together… after all; isn’t that what we are taught to do…?

In the beginning, I was swept up in the blinding lights of love… so much so that I ignored any potential lapses in communication… instead I favored the old rule of thumb that one should first be willing to give and sacrifice in order to be worth receiving or sacrificing for… In my mind this was the best approach as this person was my end all be all and if you can’t sacrifice for the one’s you love… who can you sacrifice for…?  I mean… who can argue with a love filled with passion… not me!  It wasn’t until our relationship took the shape of our surroundings and began to become stagnant without the necessary communication to keep it growing; that I started to really understand the amount of power effective communication has over a relationship and how that communication can make or break a connection.  On paper we looked the part and played it well but our lack of communication would ultimately lead to a down fall of epic proportion.

Like all relationships that have newly blossomed into marriages; our living situation was, at the time, what I thought was the best compromise given both our future professional goals.  As time went on it became clear to me that an alternative agenda was at play… any time I tried to communicate my concerns was met with varying degrees of hostility which only widened our gap in communication.  Ours was a life that became shallow and, in most cases, vague at best.  I found myself asking questions that I would have never believed needed to be asked… questions like; what do you do when the one person you depend upon above all else blatantly shows you that you are no where near the same level of importance and value to them…?  I began to see life with a certain sense of clarity that only hastened my growth which, in turn, hastened our growing apart… I told myself that “this is the woman you love and chose… there should be no reason why you can’t make it work…?”  I firmly believed it then and still, to an extent, believe it now.  The only difference is that now I know that both parties have to want the same thing and there is no amount of compromise that will ever be sufficient to bridge the gap.  

The more I tried to communicate the further we grew apart and when I would try to bring up this fact… it became crystal clear that I was in this situation alone.  In an effort to hold on to what I had worked so hard to get; I began to think of things from a perspective that was terrifying yet exhilarating.  On one hand I could feel my life as I knew it slipping away from me while on the other hand I had spent years largely unappreciated and out right taken for granted… everything was fine as long as things went her way.  The situation didn’t come to a head until life threw a curve ball in my direction.  

For the first time in our marriage; there was a situation that forced her to have to see life outside of her box… I remember thinking to myself that “now we will see if she truly cares about me enough to make some sacrifices of her own on my behalf…”  Well I am here to tell you that nothing hurts worse than finding out that the years of effort and energy mean absolutely nothing to the one person in the world that it should mean everything to.  As our distant communication progressively grew to nothing more than arguing I had no choice but to come to the realization that this beautiful life I had cultivated was built on false pretenses.  After a few more attempts to communicate I ultimately decided to do bad all by myself and subsequently divorced that beautiful woman.  

Still reeling from the sting of dishonesty and manipulation; I continued on only to have my new found single life be cut short as I was laid off from work within weeks of being single.  Now, with two kids and the always up hill battle of finding a new job, I set out to do what millions of us do everyday… start over; but before I could even get into a rhythm… bad luck struck once again as I was on my way to work on the night shift at my new job that, now is a full hour away from home, I got a flat tire at the most in opportune time resulting in a total loss of my vehicle.  As time passed, so did my lust for life and the eternal energy source that is the soul began to weaken to the point that I began to retreat from all people and all things…  It wasn’t until I humbled myself that I realized I am not going through something that hasn’t been gone through before.  After all… I wouldn’t completely be able to start over if I couldn’t let go of the past.  

So, at the age of 31, I stand before you a man of holistic faith and scholarly value ready to except all blessings that lay before me in an effort to further my own personal understanding, growth, and value.  New job… new city… new life… new me!  As challenging as it has been… I am extremely excited about what lies ahead and will always strive to communicate in a manner that alleviates me from making the same mistakes… 

The question still remains… what about someone to share this new life with…?  In an attempt to answer that question; all I can say is that I have a sense of who I am and put forth effort at being the man I want to be… I am honest, loving, and beautiful… I wouldn’t share this life with anyone who can’t see those things in me and want me for me… If there is a woman out there looking for a man that knows what he wants and truly enjoy’s treating a woman special then I look forward to meeting you…!

Advertisements

About Starchild

Grew up in the country... nothing like a small town. Luckily I have been able to enjoy overseas travel as well which has given me a unique perspective on life, love, and the endless pursuit of happiness. As much as I love the country; I love the allure and the bright lights of the city as well. Trouble is... I always come full circle to realize that a simplistic approach to complexity will always yield the most well rounded approach and the most complete understanding there of. Been through a lot at a young age and as a result I find myself in and out of hot water when engaging in conversation with others of all walks of life... I seek out the slivers of comfort in any and every uncomfortable situation I can find... I find that it yields the most interesting conversation which, in turn, leads to the most interesting people... After all, everything I have ever learned I learned the hard way via the souls that I met along my journey of self discovery! I wouldn't have it any other way!
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to FUNCTIONALLY SPEAKING… (STARTING OVER)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s